It was a beautiful, sunny, Thursday morning.
I walked into a courtroom, took a seat on the witness stand, walked through a decree, and filed paperwork to make it all official. The entire experience seemed grossly inappropriate in relation to the process and events that led up to it. There were years of memories and pain and heartache and anguish that flashed through my mind in that courtroom, and a simple stamp from a clerk’s office officially ended the marriage I fought so hard to keep.
In the time leading up to my divorce and in the time since, I’ve sat through sermons listening to pastors speak about divorce being the easy way out. I’ve heard pointed comments from strangers, friends, and colleagues about people who are divorced being somehow less than. There are many with the opinion that those who get divorced are quitters, weak, or selfish, perhaps without realizing the internal sting this causes those of us who are divorced. I understand there are different circumstances for every person and in every marriage, and my intention is not to argue when it is permissible to get divorced. My intention is to shed light on how we treat those who are divorced; ultimately, whatever the reason, it is a major life change, and all major life transitions, in my opinion, should be categorized as grief. We would better serve those who are divorced by responding to their loss instead of our own judgment about how or why the loss occurred.
In her podcast 'Hebrews week 11: Offer Pleasing Sacrifices' from April 7, 2016, Jen Wilkin describes a Christian view of marriage and divorce. Starting just after the 10 minute mark, she states:
So when things begin to press in from the outside, we ought to within the church have relationships that are whole and that are faithful so far as it is possible for us. But I want you to understand that when it says 'Let marriage be held in honor by all,' I believe that this does not mean that we walk around shouting, 'God hates divorce' to the shame and sorrow of people who have experienced divorce firsthand. You know that I come from a broken home. We've talked about this. I've brought it up before. So I feel a great deal of compassion for those who have this in their past or who are facing a difficult marriage now. And I believe that when the Scriptures speak about how we are to think about divorce, what they are calling us to do so, because, again, it's always about what we are thinking about and what we are feeling in here, right? The Scriptures are calling us to hold a high view of marriage. So what would be a low view of marriage? A low view of marriage is when as soon as things get difficult, I head for the exit. What's a high view of marriage? When I do everything that I can to hang on to that marriage relationship. But there is a point at which we would be merciless to ask someone to stay in a marriage if they have had a high view of it, and the marriage has reached a point where it so mars the image of Christ and his Church. That it is an injustice to the individual to be held in the institution. These things have to be so carefully evaluated, and there is not a one size fits all rule. But the Church must be a place that is more than just anti-divorce. We must be a place that is pro-marriage in the sense that we hold a high view of marriage, and a high view of marriage values not just the institution. It values two very different individuals who have engaged in the institution. So this is an area where we need to proceed with care and caution, that we would best minister to those among us. There are people among us who have handled marriage lightly in their past, and I tell you, every time I have to talk about divorce, there is some sweet woman who sits at the back of the room and sobs her eyes out the whole time. You know why? Because the Church has handled her as though she's permanently damaged goods. There are many sins from which we allow people to move on, but that is not one that we often do. So as brother/sisterly love continues among us, may we be a place that is marked with charity with regard to this issue where we hold a high view of marriage, where we strive for faithfulness in those relationships. That's what the brothers and sisters would do for one another.
I am a marriage therapist. I am pro-marriage. In my office, I am the last one to ever give up on my clients’ relationships. I have a very high view of marriage. But I also have a high view of individuals. When a marriage begins to erode away who someone is as a person, it deserves our attention. God loves us, and He gave us marriage in His design for many things, sanctification being one of the most important; however, marriage wasn’t designed to take away our personhood.
I am not a quitter. I did not take the easy way out. Divorce is not easy. Divorce did not erase the pain of my marriage or all of the memories I still carry with me. Divorce was and is painstaking, and the decision to pursue it, especially given my career, was torturous. When I hear pastors or those in spiritual leadership say that divorce is the easy way out, it casts shame on an already devastated part of my heart. Those who were closest to me during this process know the anguish I felt and still feel. I’ve sat weeping behind my computer screen listening to sermons online with pastors casting judgment, even indirectly, on the divorced. I’ve sobbed on many shoulders and on many couches in agony about what divorce would mean for my life and what it would mean about me as a person. I’ve wrestled with what this means for the rest of my life, the family and future I had planned. All of that changed when I got divorced.
And if I feel this way when I had a high view of my marriage, I can only imagine how these statements must land for someone who had a low view of marriage that ended in divorce. It comes down to what is most helpful. Even if what you say has some truth, is it helpful? Is it beneficial? If someone is already grieving a marriage that ended in divorce, is it helpful to tell that person that he or she took the easy way out? Absolutely not. It's the equivalent of rubbing our nose in an emotional pile of poop. It stinks already. We don't need a closer vantage point, certainly not from those in spiritual leadership above us. It's important to remember that you can be right but still be wrong.
Perhaps it’s easier to put divorce in a box, seeing it as simply as the stamp on my decree, but it is so much more than that. A narrow or marred view of divorce only adds to the depths of a divorced person's pain. We owe it to each other to expand our experiences and try to understand each other's worlds. Our attitudes and perspective change when we look beyond the surface and walk into the reality of what divorce actually means for a person’s life. I hope reading a fraction of my experience gives you enough understanding to at least pause the next time this comes up in conversation and consider how your comments might land if I was sitting next to you. And if you’ve gone through a divorce or are going through one right now, I see you and your pain.
You are not tainted.
You are not cursed.
You are not damaged goods.
You are loved.
You are accepted.
You are precious.
I claim you.
God claims you.
Divorce is not who you are.
While divorce may be a lot of things, it definitely is not the easy way out.